Life Passages: Bearing Witness to the Divine

It is good to know that our actions can have the unintended impact of positively inspiring others.  A friend recently sent me a note saying she was inspired by how I was embracing life by jumping into a huge change – relocating for an ideal job in Edmonton where I grew up and can be close to family.  It prompted her to realize she has “SO many options” that she feels “a little overwhelmed”.   While she has no restrictions, other than fear, deciding what do to and where to go is difficult.

I, you, we – every person alive has many, many options in and for their life.  What holds everyone back is fear of the unknown.  It is normal human behaviour to want to know the answer in advance.  To know what is the right/best decision and course of action for them.   Like most people, I too have led my life wanting to know this and know how it feels to be overwhelmed by it.  I have so been there and done that.  Especially of late with having only 6 weeks between being accepting and starting the job to:

• find a place to live – ideally purchasing something nice that I can settle into and call home,
• sell the lovely house my husband and I built and called home since 1992,
• arrange moving and the multitude of details that go along with relocating,
• declutter and downsize and have a garage sale,
• move forward with the undesired but sadly necessary dissolution of my 20 years marriage 
• deal with the return of my mother’s melanoma, and
• feel and move through the various mixed emotions intertwined with it all. 

Yikes, I look over this list and wonder how I did it – go figure as to why I have been feeling pretty tired of late.  Thinking more about  it, even I am in awe as to how I have moved through it all and arrive to a place of acceptance and even sense of enthusiasm about the next phase of my life.    As I reflect on it, I have an insight that is about choice and faith.  While I have been having lessons about choice and faith throughout my life, I have come to know they were only preparing me for the biggest and most challenging lesson so far.  The unfortunate demise of the my most significant relationship in my life – the unwilling separation with a wonderful and loving person, my husband of 20 years.  With this I came to a place I never expected to be – a single/divorced 50 year old woman. 

Sometimes the pain and aloneness of this unexpected and unwelcomed reality was almost unbearable.   With the pain, are the other phases and emotions of grieving – anger, resentment, denial, bargaining, and yes finally sweet acceptance.  And it is through this incredible journey of pain and enlightenment, is where I came to learn that living life and moving through all the changes that come with it is truly about choice and faith.  Choosing to open oneself up to seeing, grieving, accepting and even loving what is.  Faith, serenity and courage to surrender being shown and acting on what comes next.  To surrender to ‘if its suppose to be, it will be’ and all that is necessary to make it be will be granted. 

With more reflection, I realize it was June 09 where I made a key shift in my thinking.  This was prior to knowing anything about the job opportunity in Edmonton that would set subsequent events into motion.  Rather than praying for happiness, I chose to surrender to the divine – God, the universe, a higher power – praying to show me the path I am to follow for my life.  With this I prayed to grant me the serenity to accept and love what is and the courage to follow trusting that all will be well.  I chose to believe and trust in ‘if its suppose to be, it will be”. 

Shortly after this, the path was revealed beginning with the ideal job for me given my experience, knowledge and skills.  Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to stay really present in the moment and act releasing expectations and outcomes.  When I started to feel fearful and go to that place of anxious worrying about it all, I consciously reverted to what was becoming my mantra – “if it’s suppose to be, it will be.” I chose to surrender to this serene yet strong inner sense of knowing that everything that I need to support the path I am meant to follow will be revealed and work out.   

It’s actually very difficult to describe the feeling and this uncanny sense of knowing.  It is quite surreal, yet serene.  Innately and intuitively I knew I would find the ideal condo that met my criteria in the right location at the right price  to purchase the day I set out to do it.  And it came to pass with finalizing the purchase 10 hours after beginning the hunt.  With selling our house 1 week later, again I wasn’t surprised when we had recieve multiple offers the 1 day planned for an open house 3 days after being listed resulting in it being offically sold for more than it was listed by the same evening.  I didn’t know how or why or what it would look like in advance of these events nor did I question my knowing.  I simply knew and went with it.  I have never had an experience, feelings and sense of knowing like this before.  It is as if since first praying for and surrendering to what is suppose to be, I have truly borne witness to the divine playing big in my life . 

Even now as I write this, I find the words flowing out through my fingers without much thought.  It is as though I am a channel meant to record the events.  For what purpose?   Perhaps it is merely about my learning and remembering to have faith and choose wisely each and everyday.  Maybe its about passing the message of the power of faith and choice to others.   I don’t know.  Nor do I need to know.  I am just going to ‘let go’ and be with it.  I choose to have faith that its purpose will – or will not - be revealed…. if it is suppose to be.

Hello World

 

“Always do the thing you fear the most.  Courage is an acquired taste, like cavier.”
- Erica Jong           

 Well I am finally taking the plunge and starting my own blog.  I have been resistant to doing so even though I have known about and read many others for years.  So I ask myself what is my resistance to doing this about?  One thing I have learned about myself over the years is that answers to such questions are usually the result of fear.  So the real question is what are the fears that have been holding me back from writing a blog?

A few answers come to me as I ponder this question.  Fear of nothing worthy to say.  Fear of exposing my thoughts to the world.  Fear that no one will read it.  Fear that if others do read it, they will disagree or worse reject me.  Fear of being or perceived by others as inadequate in some way.   All those old self-sabatoging thoughts come rushing back …”Who do I think I am to think I am worthy enough to… whatever?”

Then I remember how I gathered the courage for overcoming other events I feared in my life.  Reflecting on these occurances, I recall how doing so I was able to realize significant personal and professional growth.  This is not to say it was all smooth as soon as faced fear and took action.  There were challenges making it very difficult at times.   I made mistakes and I have not always been accepted or liked by others.   And this was okay too because through adversity I learned even more, gained confidence and was able to help others more.  Funny how that works. 

So with this in mind, I embark on this new experience of starting a blog to share my thoughts and experiences with whomever wishes to partake.  And who knows, maybe along the way what is written resonates, imparts some wisdom or give permission to others do the same.  Let the adventure begin.

“We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? …playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you …We are all meant to shine…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”  - Marianne Williamson