Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics…We Are More

As a Canadian watching the opening ceremonies to the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, there was much to be proud of.  The term mosaic indeed seems apt in capturing Canada’s amazing breadth and depth of beauty and spirit within it geography, terrain, peoples and culture.   At the same time, there is a delicate and humble authenticity in defining what it is to be Canadian particularly in terms of our patriotism.   For me, Shane Koyczan’s poem, We Are More, recited near the end of the event seemed a perfect encapsulation of the unassuming pride I feel to be Canadian citizen of this great country that I am blessed to call home.  With that, I leave you with the transcript of the poem to read at your leisure, and reflect upon what it means to you…

 

We Are More

by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we’ve got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world’s anthem has been

” been there done that”

and maybe that’s where we used to be at

it’s true

we’ve done and we’ve been

we’ve seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don’t forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say “eh?”

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we’re more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you’re welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like “someday”

someday we’ll be great

someday we’ll be this

or that

someday we’ll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don’t have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don’t all know what it is in life we’re looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you’ve been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can’t wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

” keep exploring… we are more”

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it’s true

Canada is the “what” in “what’s new?”

so don’t say “been there done that”

unless you’ve sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don’t say you’ve been there done that

unless you’ve been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you’ll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn’t pack for the first time

but don’t let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what’s more

is that we didn’t just say it

we made it be.

Life Passages: Bearing Witness to the Divine

It is good to know that our actions can have the unintended impact of positively inspiring others.  A friend recently sent me a note saying she was inspired by how I was embracing life by jumping into a huge change – relocating for an ideal job in Edmonton where I grew up and can be close to family.  It prompted her to realize she has “SO many options” that she feels “a little overwhelmed”.   While she has no restrictions, other than fear, deciding what do to and where to go is difficult.

I, you, we – every person alive has many, many options in and for their life.  What holds everyone back is fear of the unknown.  It is normal human behaviour to want to know the answer in advance.  To know what is the right/best decision and course of action for them.   Like most people, I too have led my life wanting to know this and know how it feels to be overwhelmed by it.  I have so been there and done that.  Especially of late with having only 6 weeks between being accepting and starting the job to:

• find a place to live – ideally purchasing something nice that I can settle into and call home,
• sell the lovely house my husband and I built and called home since 1992,
• arrange moving and the multitude of details that go along with relocating,
• declutter and downsize and have a garage sale,
• move forward with the undesired but sadly necessary dissolution of my 20 years marriage 
• deal with the return of my mother’s melanoma, and
• feel and move through the various mixed emotions intertwined with it all. 

Yikes, I look over this list and wonder how I did it – go figure as to why I have been feeling pretty tired of late.  Thinking more about  it, even I am in awe as to how I have moved through it all and arrive to a place of acceptance and even sense of enthusiasm about the next phase of my life.    As I reflect on it, I have an insight that is about choice and faith.  While I have been having lessons about choice and faith throughout my life, I have come to know they were only preparing me for the biggest and most challenging lesson so far.  The unfortunate demise of the my most significant relationship in my life – the unwilling separation with a wonderful and loving person, my husband of 20 years.  With this I came to a place I never expected to be – a single/divorced 50 year old woman. 

Sometimes the pain and aloneness of this unexpected and unwelcomed reality was almost unbearable.   With the pain, are the other phases and emotions of grieving – anger, resentment, denial, bargaining, and yes finally sweet acceptance.  And it is through this incredible journey of pain and enlightenment, is where I came to learn that living life and moving through all the changes that come with it is truly about choice and faith.  Choosing to open oneself up to seeing, grieving, accepting and even loving what is.  Faith, serenity and courage to surrender being shown and acting on what comes next.  To surrender to ‘if its suppose to be, it will be’ and all that is necessary to make it be will be granted. 

With more reflection, I realize it was June 09 where I made a key shift in my thinking.  This was prior to knowing anything about the job opportunity in Edmonton that would set subsequent events into motion.  Rather than praying for happiness, I chose to surrender to the divine – God, the universe, a higher power – praying to show me the path I am to follow for my life.  With this I prayed to grant me the serenity to accept and love what is and the courage to follow trusting that all will be well.  I chose to believe and trust in ‘if its suppose to be, it will be”. 

Shortly after this, the path was revealed beginning with the ideal job for me given my experience, knowledge and skills.  Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to stay really present in the moment and act releasing expectations and outcomes.  When I started to feel fearful and go to that place of anxious worrying about it all, I consciously reverted to what was becoming my mantra – “if it’s suppose to be, it will be.” I chose to surrender to this serene yet strong inner sense of knowing that everything that I need to support the path I am meant to follow will be revealed and work out.   

It’s actually very difficult to describe the feeling and this uncanny sense of knowing.  It is quite surreal, yet serene.  Innately and intuitively I knew I would find the ideal condo that met my criteria in the right location at the right price  to purchase the day I set out to do it.  And it came to pass with finalizing the purchase 10 hours after beginning the hunt.  With selling our house 1 week later, again I wasn’t surprised when we had recieve multiple offers the 1 day planned for an open house 3 days after being listed resulting in it being offically sold for more than it was listed by the same evening.  I didn’t know how or why or what it would look like in advance of these events nor did I question my knowing.  I simply knew and went with it.  I have never had an experience, feelings and sense of knowing like this before.  It is as if since first praying for and surrendering to what is suppose to be, I have truly borne witness to the divine playing big in my life . 

Even now as I write this, I find the words flowing out through my fingers without much thought.  It is as though I am a channel meant to record the events.  For what purpose?   Perhaps it is merely about my learning and remembering to have faith and choose wisely each and everyday.  Maybe its about passing the message of the power of faith and choice to others.   I don’t know.  Nor do I need to know.  I am just going to ‘let go’ and be with it.  I choose to have faith that its purpose will – or will not - be revealed…. if it is suppose to be.

Intuition or Reason?

 

“The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery; the only real valuable thing is intuition.” - Albert Einstein

Intuition is defined as the faculty of attaining cognition “without evident rational thought and inference.”  Increasingly, this intuitive “ability to foresee” is being assessed as a valuable skill necessary to be an effective leader.  Even with a plethora of available rational data , leaders use their intuitive sense to “find the meaning in data” to complement or supplement their decision-making capability. 

Malcolm Gladwell explores intuitive thinking and decision making in his bestselling book ”Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking,” Backed by extensive research, “Blink” illustrates how people form “very quick judgments based on very little information” that are “every bit as good as decisions made cautiously and deliberately.”  The ability to do this lies in a part of our brain called the “adaptive unconscious” where a great deal of high level thinking, data and learning is quickly processed and stored.

In Primal Leadership, Daniel Goleman et. al., the author frequently credited for bringing emotional intelligence into the mainstream, refers to this process as “silent learning”   This is because neurologically, the brain constantly and unconsciously registers and stores lessons along with associated emotions as to what works and doesn’t work during experiences.  Then when a similar situation occurs, our brain unconsciously pulls information from the past and informs us through a compelling sense or feeling of either right or wrong within our gut. 

However, both Gladwell and Goleman don’t advocate for the sole reliance on adaptive or unconscious intuition.  It is better to use with other kinds of data because of the potential for “other interests and emotions and sentiments” to influence intuitive feelings.   Senge supports this notion of integrating reason and intuition as part of using every available resource to develop the discipline of “personal mastery.”   According to Senge, studies show leaders “rely heavily on their intuition,” combined with other data, to identify patterns and parallels “to other seemingly disparate situations.”  

The premise of learning and strengthening intuition with practice correlates with my own experiences.   Like most of us, I spent most of my formative years and life developing my cognitive rational abilities.  Why?  Because this is the more socially accepted and valued of the two abilities.   I routinely ignored my intuition because it conflicted with others that valued rational data and thinking.  Often the consequences or outcomes were less than desired, either to myself or the situation.  While these situations were difficult, they taught me valuable lessons that led me to consciously practice listening to my intuition.   Like all skill development, I realized the more I practiced it, the stronger and more frequent my intuition became - it self-perpetuates.  At times the strength and frequency of intuitive hits is somewhat unsettling.   The remedy is surrendering control – sitting with it without judgement or attempt to change it.  By letting it be what it is and go wherever it leads, it shows whether it is true or simply a bias acting out.  In other words, not only do intuitive abilities strengthen, but so does the ability to sort out truth from fiction.  

The inevitable by-product of this growing intuitive abilities is a growing confidence in who I am as a person.  I believe that intuitive judgment is a real andtrue rather than some mysterious power.  It is the result of the unconscious and conscious, experiencial learning, courage to follow ethicalconvictions and surrender to spiritual guidance.  Finally, I believe to solve the increasingly  complex challenges facing today’s world, our effectiveness as people and leaders requires embracing and engaging all that we are - the power and intelligence of our conscious left-brained voice of reason and our unconscious right-brained, spiritually connected intuition.  

   References 

 

1. Gladwell, Malcolm. Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking. New York: Little, Brown and Company, 2005. http://www.gladwell.com/blink/index.html
2. Goleman, Daniel, Social Intelligence, New York: Bantam Book Random House, 2006. http://www.danielgoleman.info/blog / 
3. Goleman, Daniel, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee. Primal Leadership. Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2002.
4. Laseter, Tim, Matthias Hild, The Power of Plausibility Theory, Many Worlds website, www.manyworlds.com
5. Merriam Webster OnLine, http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=intuition 
6. Royal Roads University. Lt 566 Leadership in Organization Course Notes. Victoria: Royal Roads University, 2005. http://www.royalroads.ca
7. Senge, Peter M. The Fifth Discipline; the Art and Practice of the Learning Organization. New York: Currency Doubleday, 1990. http://www.presencing.com/People/Peter.html
8. Spears, Larry C. “On Character and Servant-Leadership: Ten Characteristics of Effective, Caring Leaders.”   The Greenleaf Center for Servant-Leadership Website, http://www.greenleaf.org/leadership/read-about-it/Servant-Leadership-Articles-Book-Reviews.html 

 

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modern day snake oil

Recently I was sent an invitation to attend a fund raising event for breast cancer featuring wildly successful author of the ‘Chicken Soup’ series, Jack Canfield.  While it is a good cause, and the opportunity to network is enticing, I am no longer a fan of motivational gurus – aka success snake oil salesmen - such as Jack Canfield.    For me, the value proposition of listening to someone who has become rich selling ‘the secret’ to getting rich and being happy easily with minimal effort is simply not significant  enough to pay $275.00 for a ticket. 

Don’t get me wrong, I respect his motivational speaking abilities and fully commend his role in spreading the message about being the best you can be.   There was a time when I was a big fan of Jack Canfield and others like him.  I bought their books, I went to see them speak and even considered shelling out $3495 for one of his success seminars.  I have spent much of my life searching for the magic answer to success, wealth and happiness from such sources.   Then I had a two crucial insights - one that many of you I imagine may say, ‘ – of course – what else is new!   

The first was that they are not they are not saying anything new.  It is the same thing they have been saying for years, just wrapped up in a new book jacket.   In truth, it is not anything new since the time of Socrates, Lao Tzu or any of the other ancient master philosophers.    The second related insight was that they weren’t telling me anything I hadn’t already learned or knew.    I am in total awe of the business and marketing savvy to build a multimillion $ enterprise on an illusion.  That illusion - anti up a good chunk of change and you will receive the magic answer – the silver bullet – to easily and effortlessly become fabulously successful and rich too.   Sometimes I wish I had the chutzpah to mass market perpetuation of the myth that health, happiness and wealth is an easy 10 step program. 

Then I think….if its that simple, how come everyone in the world isn’t fabulously healthy, wealthy and happy?  Oh yea, I forgot…actually changing and putting things in to action is always much harder than talking about it.   Furthermore, success is not totally in our control as motivational speakers need you to believe so that they can get you to buy their books and listen to them speak.   Success is much more complex than we have been led to believe.   Malcom Gladwell’s book Outliers does a good job of explaining how success is a group project predicated on the “contributions of lots of different people and lots of different circumstances” - ”culture and community and family and generation“¹ as much as their own efforts.    Oh yes, Gladwell is credible – an award winning journalist who does extensive research providing facts to back up his discovery of something new.   Him, I would pay to see.  Not so much the motivational speaker/ modern day snake oil salesmen selling success snake oil - a secret magical recipe that has no power at all.

In the end, what I now know for sure  is that the most precious thing I have is time.   Life is a temporary condition and time is a true fixed non-renewable resource.  Every moment gone can never again be recovered.  I think I will invest my time and money into action to make my own success.   I’m not totally sure what that success will trun out to be or look like given my knowledge and circumstances, but I figure I’m already a winner by not spending $3495 for Jack Canfield’s success snake oil.      

1 & 2  What is Outlier’s About, Gladwell.com,  http://www.gladwell.com/outliers/index.html

Social and Ecological Intelligence

Read Are You a Socially Intelligent Leader? for a succinct overview of the importance of social Intelligence.  For more read Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatz in the September 2008 Harvard Business Review.   Visit http://www.morethansound.net./ for more from Daniel Goleman and other leaders in emerging fields that are crucial to our time about ideas that deepen our understanding of the human experience.  You can also watch Daniel Golemen discuss his book “Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships” as a part of the Authors@Google series.   

Daniel Goleman’s newest work Ecological Intelligence may seem a bit of a divergence, but it is certainly relative and critical to ours and our world’s future.  It  ”reveals the hidden environmental consequences of what we make and buy, and shows how new market forces can drive the essential changes we all must make to save our planet.”  Read exerpt from the book.  Also, find out why Time Magazine listed it as one of ’10 Ideas Changing the World Right Now’ .

the brain, leadership and change

If you want leading edge research and implications about how the brain works, check out the offical site for the emerging NeuroLeadership field, The Global Neuroleadership Summit .   What is Neuro Leadership you ask?   It is a new field of study fo­­cused on bringing neuroscientific knowledge into the area of leadership development, management training, education, consulting and coaching.  David Rock, author of Quiet Leadership , Six Steps to Transforming Performance at Work and Founder/CEO of Results Coaching Systems, is one of the key people leading the charge to marketing and promoting Neuroleadership worldwide.  Good on ya David! 

Hear interview with David Rock on NeuroLeadership and the Global NeuroLeadership Summits. Learn how to apply the latest in neuroscience to the art of coaching and leadership Brain-Based Coaching and Leadership.  Listen to why change is so hard from a physical perspective from the teleseminar Insights about the brain that change everything.   Learn about companies that brought in and built a coaching culture report significantly reduced staff turnover, increased productivity, greater happiness and satisfaction at work.

And just to keep things a little in balance, here is a healthy dose of skepticism on the value of Neuroleadership….Is Neuroleadership More Than Reinventing Wheels?

Relationships

Relationships are difficult.  If I could make them work otherwise, I would prefer not to think, feel and engage in the ‘hard’ conversations that are a given within relationships.  But I have played the avoid game for all my life and it really hasn’t worked so well.  It still resulted in loss, disappointment and hurt.   So I am ready to do it different.  I am willing and able to stand up and fight for those relationships that are important to me.  Enough so to have those tough love conversations with people that I value, care for and want in my life. 

 In addition to great joy, the nature of relationships is that disappointment and hurt will occur.  Yes, even good  ones and especially with those we are closest and most intimate with.  I am not sure where the belief, expectation or assumption came from that hurt and disappointment are not part of healthy relationships.  I know for me I certainly held this belief for most of my life.  The truth is that having a healthy relationship means there will be some level of differences, conflict, disappointments and even hurt.   To believe and behave otherwise is incredibly naive, unrealistic, and just plain false.  A relationship is a third entity occurring between two unique individuals with their own perceptions, beliefs, expectations, assumptions, concerns and hopes.  While people can be, think and/or behave similarly, the truth is each of is us is and thinks uniquely.  As result of our unique attributes and thoughts, how we behave plays out very differently in living life.

 I know too that the hurt I feel is not only for myself, but for both parties in the relationship and the relationship itself.  I realize the emotions – hurt, anger, disappointment, etc – I feel are equal or even more directed at myself than the other person. It is a feeling that I failed the other person, myself, we, by not being able to make it work. And when I say work, I don’t mean in the context that everything is blissfully happy forever without conflict or even disappointment. Rather that we experience, share, express and move through the full range of living and relationship – the ups/joy and the downs/disappointment and yes even hurt – together.

I find the drama of the stories I make up and obsessively roll around in my mind is always way worse than expressing and processing pain.    While it is never easy, I have found through experience by feeling the hurt and facing my fears, my pain and anxiety is processed, normalized and cleared.  I equate the process one goes through in the stages of grieving:

• Denial: Example – “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me!”
• Anger: Example – “Why me? It’s not fair!” “NO! NO! How can this happen!”
• Bargaining: Example – “I’ll do anything to make it different? “If you just give me a chance, I can and will change to make it work.”
• Depression: Example – “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “Relationships are too hard so what’s the point of trying.”
• Acceptance: Example – “It’s going to be OK.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well learn and do it differnt.”

So given this, what are the options for living a full life with satisfying relationships?  We can choose to isolate ourselves and thereby eliminate relationships with others and any risk of being hurt as result of our differences.  While this is an option, it goes against the nature of being human.  We are social beings meant to bond with others.  Anthropologically speaking, bonding and relationships is an instinctual drive, interwoven into our DNA, necessary for our survival as species.  If it were not, man would have been extinct millions of years ago. 

As I move in and out of the grieving phases for relationship disappointments and loss, I realize we don’t move through the phases linearly as one might expect.    Instead it is back and forth with ever lessening intensity and landing in acceptance more frequently and for longer duration of time.  So as difficult it is to experience the first go around, it is a step forward in the process of letting go.  I hope the same for you out there choosing to make your best effort to have authentic relationships in your life.   Remember to be gentle, forgiving and loving with yourself and others, celebrating the small victories in process of doing so.  As I have said before, learning to do life is an evolution, not a revolution.

Time and Change and Free Won’t

Time and change are two words we hear a lot in our lives.   With time, there never seems to be enough of it or the quality of it poor.    With change, it seems the opposite is true – it is happening everywhere with everything all the time and we wish it would stop.   That said, time and change have a great deal in common.  Both time and change are constants that we no ability to control and both can result in the same feelings of being rushed, overwhelmed and stressed.  

So the next question is given that we can’t increase time or stop change, what can we do to help ourselves maneuver the turbulence and stress created by the uncontrollable constants?

My own experiences have taught me that the answer lies how I respond to the limitations and challenges presented by time and change.  And how I respond is about making choices.   Choosing carefully how I spend my time and who I spend it with.    Choosing my response to change.   Accepting those things I can’t change, courageously taking action for those things I can and using the wisdom I have learned or am given to know the difference.   

Integral to the process of choosing is exercising ‘free won’t’ as much, or perhaps more, than ’free will’.    I recently learned more about ‘free won’t’ and how to effectively use it during recent coach training from Results Coaching Systems (www.workplacecoaching.com).   Free won’t is our ‘veto power’, the time it takes for our mind to determine how we are going to respond to the consciously registered desire to move.  It is about 0.3 of seconds out of a 0.6-0.7 second time between thought and action.   I use free won’t as a 0.3 second opportunity to tell myself to “STOP”, take a deep breath and choose to give myself more time to think about and decide how I will respond.   I am amazed how effective it can be to simply tell myself the word ‘STOP’ outloud as a means to interrupt my impulse to react.  Having discovered this I now use the same tool to give myself more time in my decision making.  The result – better choices and less stress. 

With this in mind my questions out to the world are:

How do you respond to the pressures from time and change?

What and how can you do things differently?

What areas of your life can you exercise ‘free won’t  to free up time and make change easier?

What other techniques and tools have you found to help with managing time and change better?

Pondering Chaos

another one of those things that make you go hmmmmmm……

Dr. Nancy Love, recently posted on her blog about her experiences attending and speaking at the International Enneagram Association conference in Atlanta August 1-3, 2008.    Her observations and subsequent post was provocative in several ways.  For me, her observation about the similarity between the Enneagram Association and Mediator Societies endeavors for formal certification / accreditation struck a cord.   I have observed this very same phenonemon with other emerging professional practices involving human development; i.e. coaching; leadership development, change and organizational effectiveness practitioners; personal development practitioners, etc.

I find it intersting how as a new practice emerges, human nature is such that we seek to control and regulate it somehow.  Operating from the 6 type preference myself, I am all for standards and quality.   But also like a 6, I question the need for this -the how and why is it important.  And like Dr. Love, I ask who is the one deemed the authority to say who is or who isn’t qualified.   It is relatively easy to accredit professions with qualifiable and quantifiable functional skills such as typing so many words per minute or the procedure for flying an airplain.   But how do we do this with dynamic everchanging processes involving soft less tangible skills, problem solving, and intuition.   And paradoxically, the more controls put in place to supposedly deem someone worthy, the more it restricts the intuitive and sometimes chaotic attributes that gave birth to a new way of thinking and being in the first place.

It is similar to the huge amount of focus over many, many years to define and quantiy leadership.  And yet “Leadership is like beauty, hard to describe, but we know it when we see it.”  So holds true the puzzle of defining people skills overall,  hard to describe what it is about someone we enjoy and want to spend more time with, but we know it when we see it.   All very interesting…. stay tuned for more as I distill my chaotic ponderings to more expressable thoughts….

Duckotomies

Have you ever noticed the many dichotomies in our world; product and service, production and consumption, young and old, male and female.   “Such dichotomies are even implicit in the move to relationship marketing which is profiled as consumer-centric as compared to the product-led approach of transaction marketing.”[1]  What I have been pondering recently is the dichotomies presented by and in people.   Specifically, the opposing motivations of abundance and scarcity, and love and fear.  And unlike every other living thing and animal, these dichotomies often manifests in the contradictions between what is said and what is acted out.  Unlike a duck which walks and talks in perfect harmony with its duckness, people are much more complex, paradoxcial and even hypocritical.   

Take the bursting profession of coaching for instance.  Coaching is an ongoing partnership that helps people produce fulfilling results in their lives – professionally and personally.  Through the process of coaching, people deepen their learning, improve themselves, and enhance their performance and quality of their life.   Sounds good so far don’t you think?   However, I have observed how some coaches espoused altruism is contradicted by blatant self-promotion.  It is different than a healthy sense of self respect and confidence in that the conversation focuses on them, how good a coach they are and the great job they did changing someone.     The idea of being responsible for changing another person is interesting in itself because ultimately the movtivation, responsibility and accountability this lies with those 3 inner selves - me, myself, and I.    In the case of a coaching relationship, the coach is only an effective as the coachee’s motivation or will and desire to apply the learnings from the coaching.    

To be fair, there are many excellent coaches who are truly alturistic – motivated and satisfied by watching others take centre stage in their life.    They influence and support by skillfully creating a safe environment where others become motivated to do the self-work.   By gently posing thoughtful insights and provacotive questions, a coach faciliates process for a coachee’s self-reflection.    As such, like a good teacher, doctor, nurse or any people-assisting professions,  a gifted facilitator is about others not themselves.    They are able to get out of the way, temporarily shelving their own ego and needs to meet people where they are at and see another’s perspective through their eyes.    Another analogy a play where the coachee is the lead character, deserving of the loudest applause, while the coach plays the supporting role enabling the lead to shine.  The next steps in the process - self-understanding, self-acceptance, and ultimately healthy self-esteem – are all owned by the coachee.     Understanding the coachees perspective - what is important to them and why - is critical for asking questions that help the coachee to think better and find solutions that will work for them.  To do otherwise results in options that may work for the coach, but fail miserably for the coachee. 

To those considering engaging a coach, I encourage you to go for it.  It can be a wonderful experience.  Rich with self-exploration and learning, and a means to become the best that you can be.   As stated by Paula Ketter, Editor for T+D Magazine, “With formal training, coaches can be invaluable in inspiring clients to maximze their professional potential through a creative and thought-provoking process.”[2]  Subsequently, when seeking and finding a coach that is right for you, remember …

• Coaches are just people and as such who they are, their BEACH (Belief, Expectations, Assumptions, Concerns, and Hopes) plays out during their coaching.
• Like everyone, coaches are doing the best they can with the skills, experience and self- awareness they have currently .
• Managing our own hyprocrisy and often conflicting egocentric and altrusistic dichotomies, is difficult for everyone despite the knowledge, training, experience and expectations indicating otherwise. 
• Get a free consultation session – at least an 90 minutes in length – the amount of time it takes to have effective learning conversation to prepare, uncover, learn, search and explain the coaching process, content and plan. 
• This amount of time should also be sufficient to be able to discern where they truly come from as a coach aside from what they say, i.e. what and where does the conversation focus; them or you? 
• During the session, pay attention to listening behaviours, verbal language and non verbal body language, that give cues about who the coach is as person and their BEACH. 
• Being self-aware and vigilent to your responsibility for keeping our own ego in check.
• Practicing detached awareness, listen and observe carefully to gage their responsiveness to your needs, wants and desires;
• • Does what they are saying or doing they resonate – feel on the same frequency – with you?
  • Or does it feel ‘off’ somehow even if you are unable to specifically identify how or why?
  • How do they engage with you?  Do you feel you are the focus of the conversation or does it drift away from you to them?

In summary, listen to you gut instinct – your intuition – about those contradictions between what is said and what is done.    If it talks like a duck, walks like a duck, then it”s a duck even if it says its a coach.  Quack! Quack!

 

1 Exploring the Use of Dichotomy in Marketing: Celt Verus Saxon Revisited, Deirdre O’Loughlin and Isabelle Szmigin, Irish Marketing Review, January 1, 1007.
2 Paula Ketter, Editor T+D, Editor’s Note, T+D Magazine, August 2008, p. 8.